“Look not thou on beauty’s charming,
Sit thou still when kings are arming,
Taste not when the wine-cup glistens,
Speak not when the people listens,
Stop thine ear against the singer,
From the red gold keep thy finger,
Vacant heart, and hand, and eye,
Easy live and quiet die.”

- Lucy Ashton’s song, in the “Bride of Lammermoor”, by Sir Walter Scott

There are two different kinds, I believe, of human attraction:
One which simply disturbs, unsettles, and makes you uneasy,
And another that poises, retains, and fixes and holds you.
I have no doubt, for myself, in giving my voice for the latter.
I do not wish to be moved, but growing where I was growing,
There more truly to grow, to live where as yet I had languished.
I do not like being moved: for the will is excited; and action
Is a most dangerous thing; I tremble for something factitious,
Some malpractice of heart and illegitimate process;
We are so prone to these things, with our terrible notions of duty.

- Amours de Voyage, by Arthur Hugh Clough

Joy and sorrow - both multiply on sharing.

October smells...

Returning late that night, when the chilly wind swept past me, sending along a sudden gush of shivers and goosebumps - something seemed vaguely familiar - I instinctively hugged myself... and my mind registered the chill and the arrival of October at the same moment.

October smells of fog-its sudden onslaught-like draping a cloud of white pollen... engulfing everything coming along its way.Purifying Earth.

October smells of dew drenched grasses-short and tall-raining on ur feet and splashing minuscule droplets on your bare arms as you cross the fields.

October smells of the heavenly gangasiuli(Nyctanthes). Moon's answer to sun's parade of lovers.The flower blossoms at night and drops when the first rays of dawn touch it.Ephemeral.

And its smell-well,nature offers a treat to our olfactory senses!You take on long breaths, as if you want to take it with you.You stay there till you start feeling dizzy...till it fills ur every cell and then when you walk along, there's a sense of contentment.

October smells of lit earthen diyas mingled with magnesium phosphorous smoke.

October smells of kasatandi flower.Long stemmed with thick white inflorescence-playing along,swaying along with wind as if imploring it to take them along with.

And reigns over all,is the october moon.With Kumar Purnima round the corner,when it shines with full vigour and youth.Grandma says its the biggest moon of the year-its aura stretching and spreading itself to limits.Its beautiful.

Maybe it owes its beauty to its background to some extent.October gives us a clear sky.A painter's sky.It is sheer joy watching sunlight playing with water droplets-creating, inventing new colours.A clear nursery blue.A calm orange hue.Cloudless,unperturbed sky...

October-serene, tranquil, placid...

"The world may be full of misery and delusion, it may not give a tithe of what we ask, it may offer hatred instead of love-dissapointment, wretchedness, triviality, and heaven knows what; but there is one thing which compensates for all the rest,that takes away the merry-go-round from a sordid show, and gives it a meaning, a solemnity, and a magnificence, which makes it worthwhile to live.And for that one thing all we suffer is richly overpaid.

'And what the dickens is that?' asked Frank, smiling.

Miss Ley looked at him with laughing eyes,holding out the roses, her cheeks flushed.

'Why, beauty, you dolt!'she cried gaily. 'Beauty' "

-The merry-go-round by W.S.Maugham

lazy guilty days.
lonely guiltier nights.
need to face,need to evade.
chaos within me,created by me.
hope ebbing, and ebbing.
can't start/create from pieces-it wouldn't be perfect.
utter futility of all.
loosing integrity(or perhaps never had)
procrastination's ever-strengthening hold.
giving in to whims.
depraved.

Who's the most depraved of all?
"The man who knows everything but stops just short of acting."
Period.

of Past...

"The people who have adored me--there have not been very many, but there have been some--have always insisted on living on, long after I had ceased to care for them, or they to care for me. They have become stout and tedious, and when I meet them, they go in at once for reminiscences. That awful memory of woman! What a fearful thing it is! And what an utter intellectual stagnation it reveals! One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar."


"The one charm of the past is that it is the past. But women never know when the curtain has fallen. They always want a sixth act, and as soon as the interest of the play is entirely over, they propose to continue it."

-The Picture of Dorian Gray

Why is it that we cling to the past,though its long gone.
Why is it that the dreams of future are nothing but a vague hope of reliving the past?
Maybe 'cos at least it was real...no,just a part of it was real,some characters were real.With passing time we added words,colours,emotions to it making out of it a Memory-to be relived again and again.Ah,such fools!
Maybe it makes present a bit more easier.
Maybe it's a consolation to ourselves that we were not devoid of a good time.

The past...I've added so many whatiwanted that I'm unable to distinguish now between real and imagination.what exactly had happened.How much of it was true.
At times I want to free myself of their clutches.
Yet at other,it's as if they are the only thing I have and I hold on to it possessively.

Like English ma'm always asks me,"You remember,Preema?"
And I instinctively repeat the line - the one she reminds me time and again:

"We look before and after and pine for what is not..."

-Shelley

The long wait

Then

It was past 11 at night when she entered into her bedroom.There was, at the writing table, a single rose - long stemmed,thorns removed.She never wanted the thorns removed.He always did.It was her anniversary.9 long years.

A perfunctory wish in the morning.She had gotten him a tie.
And then she was preoccupied the whole day-with her daily chores,with her classes.
Evening was as usual filled with helping manna out-her exams are going on.Excuses...

He had slipped from her mind-till now.

She felt guilty, yet angry that she should...that he made her feel guilty.She had the flower in her hand.She held it to her face...a deep breath...Her eyelids drooped on their own accord.She felt the fragrance surrounding her.She stood like that for some time. And her lips curled into a smile."love you,too".She said to herself.She squeezed open her eyelids, and then went to lie by his side.

It was dark.She never liked bed lamps/zero power bulbs.She didn't have one in her bedroom.She was lying to his right.She slipped her left palm into his and subconsciously their fingers intertwined.Her thumb was moving over his,gently.She knew he wasn't asleep.He gave her palm a squeeze...acknowledging her?

She started...aware that he would be listening to her every word.

"I'll be gone for long-a really long time.I shan't give you any reason,neither any discourse on demands of my work, my duty, cos its nothing.Maybe it's just the course of life."

She paused.It was an effort for her to continue.She was defending herself.

"I'm still the same,kshit.*sigh*.Maybe my priorities have changed-something I can't help."

She didn't want to explain...no,it was becoming too tedious a job.But she had to say him this,say it now.She owed it to him.

"I'll come back Kshit. I know this-and it's to you I'll come back.And then there won't be anyone else.We'll have time,and we'll have just each other.Till then,kshit."

"Hmm?"

He turned around,put an arm over her...

And she knew he'll be there.He always was.

Now

He put aside his dentures.And then walked outside.

She was sitting on the swing at the patio.

He knew she'd come back.He had waited all these years when she had been a daughter-to her parents and his, a teacher to all those numerous kids, a mother to his manna... and heaven knows what all relationships/duties she had assigned herself.

She was free at last.She was his.

He went and joined her.

"Watch for me by moonlight,
Wait for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight,
Though hell should bar the way."

The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes

Had this one in 9th class.Guess it hadn't evoked the same sentiment as it did last night when I stumbled across it.

We just sit here waiting for some miracle to come,waiting for the result to reverse,waiting for the dead to return.We know very well that nothing would change,that this is not a dream.The only thing that'll follow is Acceptance.That it has happened.Even though there wasn't any cause to effect this.Can't help.

Pleading guilty is always easier-easier than making excuses,lying...
She wanted to do that.na...not plead.Guilty as accused with head held high.
But she couldn't.'Cos that was not practical,that would not be in her favour.So she lied.Ah...the lies,the deceptions,the confrontation.It came naturally though.She didn't have to work hard on it.

She came out of it,triumphant.She knew that she'd be believed.Only she didn't feel the elation of victory.There was instead this gut-wrenching conscience.

She hated the world cos they were unable to see through her lie.She hated the fact that she plied with the world.Why the hell can't she be honest(with whom?).Life would have been so simple.Truth ain't difficult.In fact it's the shortest way out and the best.Pity..there aren't many takers.

Musings

"These are best unattended to.",quipped she.She knew that given time and patience it'd generally subside...it always does.It started as an ache-an ache she wanted to linger.A bittersweet pain.It'd have lead to two entirely opposite but equally strong pathos.Either a zenith elevating pleasure or a deep plunge into the abyss of pain.She knew what awaited her...

Excerpts

I ain't feeling like writing but I do want to put up something here.So instead of thinking/using my own mind I'll just be a plagiarist and put up some quotes/excerpts.They are in no particular order or subject.But they are words-words which never fails to evoke an emotion watever it maybe.

"But suicide's a special language.Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build."
-Anne Saxton
Wanting to Die

"The thought of suicide is a great source of comfort:with it a calm passage is to be made across many a bad night."
-Friedrich Nietzsehe

"...the air was cold and sad,the river dark and dim,the whole scene like a lifeless desert.
Waste forces within him,and a desert all around,this man stood still on his way across a silent terrace,and saw for a moment,a mirage of honorable ambition,self-denial,and perseverance.In the fair city of his vision,there were airy galleries from which loves and graces look upon him,gardens in which the fruits of life hung ripening,water of Hope that sparkled in his sight.A moment,and it was gone."
-A Tale of Two Cities
Charles Dickens

"How could I've ever longed for amnesia?Memory- capricious and unreliable though it is,ultimately carries its own truth within it.As long as there is memory,there's always the possibility of retrieval,as long as there is memory,loss is never total."
-Small Remedies
Shashi Deshpande

"The Moving Finger writes;and,having writ,
Moves on:nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your tears wash out a Word of it."
-Omar Khayyam

"We,inIndia,think quickly,we talk quickly and when we move,we move quickly...Episode follows episode, and when our thoughts stop our breath stops, and we move on to another thought.This was and still is the ordinary style of our story-telling."
-Preface to Kanthapura
Raja Rao

"Other than my own soul I never found a faithful friend
Other than my own heart I never found a confidant."

-The Baburnama

nursery rhymes and patriotic songs

We had low voltage last night-the entire of last night.After bouts of thunder,lightning and drizzle(not rain!) we were subjected to "low voltage".This was a first time in here.The last time I'd seen such low voltage was in village.Anyways it was an all time low as in no tubelights ...forget pc...we had the fan on though(summer and power cut is the worst combi!).And so because there was nothing else we could have done...I wasn't going to study about microwaves in a candle...no way.And sleep toh has its own nakhras. Her royal highness won't come if it ain't completely dark and cool and tired and godknowsnotwhat constraints.So we(myself and di) started talking/gappe marooing on topics ranging from love,sex to books,music...ethics...custom traditions blah blah.Whatever we found.

By the time it was five am someone had started the topic on rhymes.And so we were trying to prove who remembered the most.
And so there it was starting with twinkle twinkle,johny johny,hickory dickory dock,higledy pigledy my black hen,pussy cat,ba ba black sheep,jack and jill,ding dong bell,mary had a little lamb,I'm a little teapot,one two buckle my shoe,rain rain go away,london bridge is falling down,hot cross buns,humpty dumpty,ring a ring a rosies,little miss muffet.Well, these were some that we came up with.Links for those who wanna refresh!!

(I don't think anyone has forgotten twinkle twinkle or johny johny :) For those who have-google it)

And then I remembered all those patriotic songs that were an intricate part back in school days.Being a kv-ian we had our fair dose of patriotism and these songs played a major part.I managed to remember the entire national anthem and vande mataram but I stumbled in all others including the famous sare jahan se achcha.Found the original lyrics in wikipedia.
Ther were some more of which I could barely remember the mukhda.Looked out for some of them.Ya,I love google!For those who wants to relive those memories a bit:

sarfaroshi ki tammana
ae watan ae watan
jahaan daal dal par
ab tumhare hawale watan
mere desh ki dharti
bharat ka rehna wala hoon
nanha munna rahi hoon
hind desh ke nivasi
hum sab bhartiya hain
vijayi vishwa tiranga pyara

*can't find link for some.found in school diary

A free verse

Inside me,
a boiling rage,
against all 'things' done and all 'words' said.

Inside me,
an imprisoned voice,
not afraid to speak aloud thoughts.

Inside me,
an unknown fear,
of confronting the past-the unfiltered past.

Inside me,
a building apprehension-
hesitating in approaching you,
for I've not righted my wrongs (yet)

Same inside me,
a burning ache,
to hold thee and to be held by thee.

Inside me,
an unshed tear; a suppressed laugh,
searching reason for their existence.

Inside me,
myriad thoughts and expressions,
unable to find words.

And inside me,
a complacent acceptance,an acknowledgment
of who and what I am.

cribbings....part 2

'Confusion' has become a permanent stable state and seldom there occurs a transition to that other quasi stable state.(This proves I've read monostable multivibrators yesterday.Its volatile and I hope I'll retain it at least till my sems-that being the sole reason of studying)

Anyways not here to discuss multivibrators.I am confused(as always and tell me who isn't?)

There's a quote in my room(handwritten and put by me) which reads:

"You have to do what you have to do,to do what you want to do."
-The Great Debaters

And I was wondering and its so damn confusing.I don't know what I want to do(as in I'm not sure whether that's the best/right thing for me).I don't know what I don't want to do(as in whether/if I can, will I be happy?).A few days ago my younger sis brought up the topic of NFTE.I hadn't heard of such an abbreviation related to engg. means I know of red dots,black dots etc. but NFTE....no idea.So she clarified-NFTE stands for Not Fit for Technical Education and its a certificate issued by university.
I cried foul....I've not yet been awarded that.And its no surprise that my siblings agreed.I definitely deserve that.There's still hope-I have another year left :)

Of all ages this hell of economic depression/recession had to befall on us.As one of my frnd says-'we' are the 'choosen one.'

Dearth of jobs....sadly no dearth of expectations(others)-level hasn't lowered even.

What are we gonna do?????No Idea.

I tried to talk/reason with ma about this great economic recession and she repeated the same thing over again that getting a job won't matter to someone who knows her studies(and it means me!!!wow!).Good joke.I don't know how I'm gonna explain this to her that I suck in all subjects(correction:subjects suck) and I've screwed almost all my papers(barely managed to clear) and the fact that I don't regret(really nish ???) any of it.

I've no idea where this post is going....better I stop before it becomes a pathetic "Dear Diary" one.

P.S:I love my dear diary.

Farewell to seniors

This one finds an entry 'cos I've spent d last few days googling on the title and failed to find a satisfying result.
We started out on an electronix note (Teachers pls consider this when u r conducting viva next tym :).We surely hoped to make an impression(selfish motive)!) -

For our seniors-

Some of ur qualities got amplified,
Some got attenuated,
You bore everything wid a negative resistivity,
Our relationship will stay,undoubtedly a Time Invarient System,
We hope..no we'll just try(against all odds) to be ur delayed version
And finally we hope ur future will be a ramp output or a full wave rectifier output.

(Di came up wid the above in record time (love u,think tank) and asked me to rhyme it which I didn't/couldn't 'cos I didnt have time/I didn't bother.I (just) read it.Anyways can't resist the temptation of putting it down here!)

So,here are a few ideas (for those whose life depends on google and wiki!)

>> slide show(this one's a must and really steals the show,reliving memories-we'd included some funny and uncensored ones :))

>> shayari or poem which includes everybody's name(we missed this one...S to blame)

>> confession/Thanks?Farewell hour:They get to share/confess/offer thanks anything ....

>> choices of songs-you get easily in yahoo answers:

English:

Time Of Your Life - Greenday
Seasons In The Sun - Westlife
Goodbye - Spice Girls
Best Days of My Life - Jesse McCartney
My Sacrifice - Creed
My Wish - Rascal Flatts

Hindi:(the usual stuff)

Kabhi alvida na kehna(old is gold!)
I gonna miss my college days
Yaaron dosti....(kk)
Purani Jeans aur Guitar
Hum rahen ya na rahe(indian idol !)
Ye pal hume yaad ayenge(Fame Gurukul)
Kaash ye pal tham jaaye(Jal)
Happy days(I know its not hindi!!!)

>> had dem fill out a form with questions like best dressed,bookworm of the batch,chatter-box of the batch,mr cool etc(The prizes for each category was innovative-credit to hostel gals :)-like chatter box got a cello tape,best smile got a close-up,miss photogenic got a mirror etc...)

Most of these were undoubtedly cliches...but we really had a gr8 time 2day...because the best thing was emotions and feelings were genuine and sincere.(and we put up an honest effort 2day)

To all my seniors-we really are gonna miss you!!

Adieu.


PS:I didn't do any work!Here its 'we' as in our whole branch.

posted-deleted-posted again.
doesn't at all sound like a sensible verse but hey it took me two whole hours to pull this out...
it's childish...but then its mine...I definitely can't resist putting it here.

Answer to someone's question...

As in feet,as in hand,Little Indians got buried in sand.Unique number's missing,Third even & third odd went searching.Three occurs twice,Six at a price of thrice.Rest seven are present,Though sum total's absent.
So,guessed all ur numbers,right?Sway further holding them tight.'cos it's not yet over,Till u put them in an order.
Holds first and one but last,A cat has this many lives to pass.Four's & five's are consecutivesSo are eight's and nine's,Joined for about twenty livesAre five's and eight's-the Siamese twins!
Reverse 2nd odd and 2nd evenPut them now just before seven.Append with a null,Hope it wasn't so dull.
Take all ur time,as i took mine,failing though,'in my search for rhyme.

money minded

Happiness. Whatever we do, however we do, if we generalize it, the end result is happiness.What we all want is happiness.
'Happiness is a state of mind'-is something I've come across many times.Agreed.
For me, the movie "The pursuit of happyness" has stayed ever since.That its a pursuit of happiness and we can't give up the pursuit.It's what keeps us going.
That apart what I'm going to write about is money and happiness.They say money can't buy happiness.I disagree.Maybe...it won't buy us happiness as in state of mind, neverthelessly it does gives us the means of achieving them.And so I'm not at all shrewd if I want a lucrative career.Sometimes I think its so unlike me, but I've begun to understand things.The way society functions and that money is an intrinsic part of it.My parents had always taught me that in a family harmony and peace matters-directly quoting- 'even if we have salt and onions to eat'.Maybe but then we can eat and dress well and yet live in harmony.
So I'm not at all wrong if I want all the things money can buy.I wanna go see the world, get a home theatre, buy any book(without thinking how it'd effect the month's budget) or any movie I want to, eat wherever I want to.Take my parents on a world tour...all the things they missed because 'we' were there.Take my grandparents on a flight.....ah....the list goes on...and all of it needs money and when I'd have it I'd be happy.Maybe it won't last more than a moment but if money can buy me that one moment than so be it.
I join the crusade Miss Rand.

I can't defend it better than Ayn Rand nor describe it. so in her own words:
excerpt from Atlas Shrugged(read here) :
http://www.capmag.com/article.asp?ID=1826

cribbings......part 1

Di's reading all these blogs these days and I can't help take a peep now and then.And it's as if the whole world's blogging and even though I hate to admit it, they are pretty good, in fact better in a lot more ways.Enough trying with words...Everyone's writing better than me...there I said it and it doesn't at all feel good.To di,I give excuses.Excuses that vary from,"They are all older to me(even a few months wud do!!)" to "Instis change you and I'm not in the league of those from elite iits,nits or iims" and blah blah blah.This and that.But you know what the truth is - I'm plain jealous.

There's more to it.The acknowledgment of the fact that they did it and I didn't.I didn't lack either in opportunities or means.I don't have any excuses.I had my chance and I screwed it.Thats it.I defend myself to others ...sometimes to myself...but deep within I know the truth.

I remember when I'd first read Tagore's Lipika, I knew I would never make a writer ... not unless I could write like that and I wasn't sad.The world won't miss me.I stopped scribbling for a while but then I went back to it again.Sometimes just to vent my anger when I can't take it out on anyone.Sometimes just to pass time.Sometimes so that the thought wont go away.Sometimes 'cos I want to lock that feeling in paper so that I could relive it. I've my reasons to write.... maybe just for you to read!.....whatever!

So I'd continue with my ramblings,with my limited non-pursuer-of-mba/gre vocab.Bear with me if you want to.

Insomniac

I'm not a tad confused..I'm in a terrible state-one of utter confusion and chaos.
Suffering from insomnia from the last three days.I'm telling you...'tis a worst state...lights switched off...everyone around you sleeping peacefully....but not you....turning sides...imagining every possible thing to lull u to sleep....but,na...it wont come....time flows by....u suddenly hear the chirping birds....temple's bells....sweepers brooms swaying over roads in gentle sweeps.....and all this time u r praying desperately,waiting for sleep to come.Sleep meanwhile is amusing itself watching u twitch and twirl but it won't give in .... not till the wee hours of morning.

Lying there surrounded with darkness I can't elude from myself.It is as if someone's waiting and it attacks you brutally.Your mistakes confront you with a furor.And what can you do with it....you are helpless....you no longer try to evade the truth,your defences fall,ur excuses exhausted,and in dat darkness u take it all as it comes..... when you are bound to be answerable - - to ur own self.

But does accepting your guilt makes it any less.The loss it has caused...the past which is gone...the deed which is done...the words already said...wheels set in motion.The only thing left is the outcome,the result whatever it is-if it's to your liking or not.You don't have a choice here.

I make plans.On what I should do and I promise myself I'll do it.execute them this time...no more mistakes....

sleep comes...

dawn's past...

it's noon....

it's day.My defences have raised.I've got all my excuses in line.
And I continue with my life.

I say to myself,"I'm a human and to err is human"
Yet another excuse!

Hopeless case,can't help.

Watch out for these!!!

Movies(bollywood!) go by starcast rather than a good script as is seen lately.But somehow a movie with a good script will always find a chord.It may not be a hit but it does affect us.And ya we...here in bollywood....we make good movies (the number is less ) too.Not just song and dance and drama stuff but the real thing.
There are movies lesser known but those which mark their presence neverthelessly.I've not seen many of them ('cos its difficult to get hold of a copy!) but these few were really good.They aren't in any specific order as I remembered maybe.And I'm no critic.

To start with Deepa Mehta's trilogy Fire, Earth and Water - three movies each one as moving and as sparkling as how to use the medium of motion picture to reveal.Excellent movies,minute details taken into account.They possess that ability to move you.My personal favorite is Earth, just remembering it gives me shivers even today.It had a superb direction,actors couldn't have done more justice to the roles and rehmaan's music was additional touch.Water was no less, subtly shown which is in accordance with its title and yet evokes a cry.The best thing in both the movies was perhaps the point of view.Earth was told through the eyes of Lenny- an eight-year-old parsee girl.Similarly water had chuhiya- a seven-year-old child widow.Maybe as it was narrated through children....the facts were like they should....unadulterated....left for us to decide.There were moments of warmth as well well as chill.Definitely worth watching.

Aparna Sen's Mr and Mrs Iyer(won the national award) and 15 Park Avenue.I'm yet to see movies by this director.I've watched two and I loved them.Watch them if u've not.

Raincoat, Chokher Bali, The Last Lear ,all directed by Rituparno Ghosh were worth watching .Chokher Bali by Rabindranath Tagore,was portrayed quite effectively(but then I love Aishwarya!)....we find glimpses of poetry in many scenes.Raincoat was better of the two,feel film critics...but then I'm not a judge...I loved both.I'd read 'gift of maggi' , from which Raincoat was inspired and it was a good movie.Aish again and Ajay Devgan played the roles brilliantly and I fell in love with the songs by Shubha Mudgal.The more recent one,The Last Lear was yet another example that the directors weaves magic.Amitabh Bachchan,Preity Zinta,Shefali Shetty,Arjun Rampal...well....another good movie.

Monsoon Wedding, by Mira Nair.I've seen just one Mira Nair's and it was pretty good.Various issues taken into account.A good direction with a superb acting.

Anurag Kashyap is definitely worth watching out for.DevD with its so hatke script.loved it.And then there was Gulaal.Look out for Piyush Mishra's songs.Excellent screenplay.different form normal.

Other than these there were several other mainstream movies.Madhur Bhandarkar's
Chandni Bar, Satta, Page 3, Corporate were good eye-openers.

Welcome to Sajjanpur, Oye Lucky lucky oye were two very good watchable satires.

I also liked Rajkumar Santoshi's Damini and Lajja-pretty strong feministic movies.

Mitr-my friend(by Revathi),Astitva(Mahesh Manjrekar),Jaago(Mehul Kumaar),
Parzania (Rahul Dholakia),Being Cyrus were quite appealing.

I'll keep updating if I manage to watch more or remember any other.keep watching :)

Devil's Advocate

I saw this movie today,'The devil's advocate'.It had an excellent starcast(Al Pacino,
Keanu Reaves and Charlize Theron) and a more excellent script.

These were dialogues between devil and kevin(my favourite!)

************************************
God?

I'll tell you...

...let me give you
a little inside information about God.

God likes to watch.

He's a prankster.

Think about it.

He gives man...

...instincts.

He gives you this extraordinary gift,
and then what does He do?

I swear, for his own amusement...

...his own private, cosmic...

...gag reel...

...He sets the rules in opposition.

It's the goof of all time.

Look, but don't touch.

Touch, but don't taste.

Taste, but don't swallow.

And while you're jumping from one foot
to the next, what is He doing?

He's laughing his sick, fucking ass off!

He's a tightass!

He's a sadist!

He's an absentee landlord!

Worship that? Never.

***********************************************

no mor(e)teen

24th aug' 07

This birthday put an end to my "teen-age".So now I've stepped onto the(much awaiting,was it???) adult world - completely.My left foot's no more holding to the last vestige of childhood.And as I entered into this world I couldn't help reminisce the poem by Margaret Lawrence,"Am I a child or an adult?"

Am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not a child now - my dolls are gone;
My dream world has rippled away.
I am tall, I understand adult talk,
But does that mean that I am an adult ?

Am I an adult or a child ?
No ! Not an adult – I couldn’t look after myself;
The understanding is just not there.
I pay a half fare on a bus to school,
But does that mean that I am a child ?

Am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not a child now - it’s not a teddy I love;
His cherished position is taken.
Just because my toys have lost their value,
Does that mean that I am an adult?

Am I an adult or a child ?
No ! Not an adult - I do not see
The reasons for adult disputes;
I am safe in non- understanding.
But does that mean that I am a child?

Well, am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not one or the other now;
One pace in front of childhood,
And one behind an adult.
Soon I shall stride into a new world,
The world of adult life.

Well,I'm no more in a confusion ,Miss Lawrence and sadly I'm wondering if I should ever have come out of that confusion.
na...I was pretty safe in non-understanding.

Back then,when I was in school,there was too much hype about teen-age.We were having all these counseling sessions and there was this fear(amongst teachers and parents!) of how to get us through that crucial adolescent stage.Though now I wonder, I never had any problem,in fact, I was waiting with a tinge of anticipation for whatever mysteries this - neither black nor white but not widout its fair share of grey(as we were told back then) - age was going to unfold.
I was dissapointed :(

It didn't even knock and exited as silently as it had entered.

And now what should I do - mourn for its passing away?

No...it doesn't deserve anything bleak but then what can I name it?

I'll tell you how I feel(though it sounds crap even to my own ears!).I feel like Arjuna completing my gurukul (I've not yet but I ain't getting any suitable word) and stepping into the world armed with my bow and quiver full of arrows thinking I could win this world.
I'm in a state of bliss...ignorant,unaware of the ordeals life has set for me.
There's an apprehension though ,and a faint hope that I may be saved ,that I may not be bound to trod into the kurukshetra. Comeon there is enough to do without that!
At least I don't wanna face my near and dear ones with arms.
But deep down a voice reminds-Isn't that supposed to be your karmabhumi(now where did this come from?)It spake thus,"You can try but u can't evade it."

And I cry....Help me out God.Ya ya I know I shouldn't be asking him....he'll help only himself.....history'll repeat...Krishna never helped Arjuna out.Nay...he didn't.

Leave it,I'll survive somehow.

Anyways the word "safe in non-understanding" has remained with me all these years.Though I wouldn't say I didn't love the growing up part.I learnt a lot and slowly through all these years(mostly the last three years) everything opened up with a much more clarity.Finally the sun was making its way through the fog and I was being embraced by a warmth-an understanding of and about so many things.

Suddenly I looked at at the world with a little less hate,a little more forgiveness...a little less anger,a little more patience...a little less mouth(ing),a little more ear(s)...maybe a little less love but loads n loads of understanding....

I stooped down a bit lower from superlative to comparative and in some cases positive degree.There weren't many bests and ya.. neither worsts but something good and many things better.I found many answers though they were not all perfect.No doubt many more questions arose...questions which were no more simple...and so I'd to optimize the solutions.I learned acceptance,I learned to adapt and blah blah blah....

And so ends another phase of my life.