of Past...

"The people who have adored me--there have not been very many, but there have been some--have always insisted on living on, long after I had ceased to care for them, or they to care for me. They have become stout and tedious, and when I meet them, they go in at once for reminiscences. That awful memory of woman! What a fearful thing it is! And what an utter intellectual stagnation it reveals! One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar."


"The one charm of the past is that it is the past. But women never know when the curtain has fallen. They always want a sixth act, and as soon as the interest of the play is entirely over, they propose to continue it."

-The Picture of Dorian Gray

Why is it that we cling to the past,though its long gone.
Why is it that the dreams of future are nothing but a vague hope of reliving the past?
Maybe 'cos at least it was real...no,just a part of it was real,some characters were real.With passing time we added words,colours,emotions to it making out of it a Memory-to be relived again and again.Ah,such fools!
Maybe it makes present a bit more easier.
Maybe it's a consolation to ourselves that we were not devoid of a good time.

The past...I've added so many whatiwanted that I'm unable to distinguish now between real and imagination.what exactly had happened.How much of it was true.
At times I want to free myself of their clutches.
Yet at other,it's as if they are the only thing I have and I hold on to it possessively.

Like English ma'm always asks me,"You remember,Preema?"
And I instinctively repeat the line - the one she reminds me time and again:

"We look before and after and pine for what is not..."

-Shelley

nursery rhymes and patriotic songs

We had low voltage last night-the entire of last night.After bouts of thunder,lightning and drizzle(not rain!) we were subjected to "low voltage".This was a first time in here.The last time I'd seen such low voltage was in village.Anyways it was an all time low as in no tubelights ...forget pc...we had the fan on though(summer and power cut is the worst combi!).And so because there was nothing else we could have done...I wasn't going to study about microwaves in a candle...no way.And sleep toh has its own nakhras. Her royal highness won't come if it ain't completely dark and cool and tired and godknowsnotwhat constraints.So we(myself and di) started talking/gappe marooing on topics ranging from love,sex to books,music...ethics...custom traditions blah blah.Whatever we found.

By the time it was five am someone had started the topic on rhymes.And so we were trying to prove who remembered the most.
And so there it was starting with twinkle twinkle,johny johny,hickory dickory dock,higledy pigledy my black hen,pussy cat,ba ba black sheep,jack and jill,ding dong bell,mary had a little lamb,I'm a little teapot,one two buckle my shoe,rain rain go away,london bridge is falling down,hot cross buns,humpty dumpty,ring a ring a rosies,little miss muffet.Well, these were some that we came up with.Links for those who wanna refresh!!

(I don't think anyone has forgotten twinkle twinkle or johny johny :) For those who have-google it)

And then I remembered all those patriotic songs that were an intricate part back in school days.Being a kv-ian we had our fair dose of patriotism and these songs played a major part.I managed to remember the entire national anthem and vande mataram but I stumbled in all others including the famous sare jahan se achcha.Found the original lyrics in wikipedia.
Ther were some more of which I could barely remember the mukhda.Looked out for some of them.Ya,I love google!For those who wants to relive those memories a bit:

sarfaroshi ki tammana
ae watan ae watan
jahaan daal dal par
ab tumhare hawale watan
mere desh ki dharti
bharat ka rehna wala hoon
nanha munna rahi hoon
hind desh ke nivasi
hum sab bhartiya hain
vijayi vishwa tiranga pyara

*can't find link for some.found in school diary

no mor(e)teen

24th aug' 07

This birthday put an end to my "teen-age".So now I've stepped onto the(much awaiting,was it???) adult world - completely.My left foot's no more holding to the last vestige of childhood.And as I entered into this world I couldn't help reminisce the poem by Margaret Lawrence,"Am I a child or an adult?"

Am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not a child now - my dolls are gone;
My dream world has rippled away.
I am tall, I understand adult talk,
But does that mean that I am an adult ?

Am I an adult or a child ?
No ! Not an adult – I couldn’t look after myself;
The understanding is just not there.
I pay a half fare on a bus to school,
But does that mean that I am a child ?

Am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not a child now - it’s not a teddy I love;
His cherished position is taken.
Just because my toys have lost their value,
Does that mean that I am an adult?

Am I an adult or a child ?
No ! Not an adult - I do not see
The reasons for adult disputes;
I am safe in non- understanding.
But does that mean that I am a child?

Well, am I a child or an adult ?
No ! Not one or the other now;
One pace in front of childhood,
And one behind an adult.
Soon I shall stride into a new world,
The world of adult life.

Well,I'm no more in a confusion ,Miss Lawrence and sadly I'm wondering if I should ever have come out of that confusion.
na...I was pretty safe in non-understanding.

Back then,when I was in school,there was too much hype about teen-age.We were having all these counseling sessions and there was this fear(amongst teachers and parents!) of how to get us through that crucial adolescent stage.Though now I wonder, I never had any problem,in fact, I was waiting with a tinge of anticipation for whatever mysteries this - neither black nor white but not widout its fair share of grey(as we were told back then) - age was going to unfold.
I was dissapointed :(

It didn't even knock and exited as silently as it had entered.

And now what should I do - mourn for its passing away?

No...it doesn't deserve anything bleak but then what can I name it?

I'll tell you how I feel(though it sounds crap even to my own ears!).I feel like Arjuna completing my gurukul (I've not yet but I ain't getting any suitable word) and stepping into the world armed with my bow and quiver full of arrows thinking I could win this world.
I'm in a state of bliss...ignorant,unaware of the ordeals life has set for me.
There's an apprehension though ,and a faint hope that I may be saved ,that I may not be bound to trod into the kurukshetra. Comeon there is enough to do without that!
At least I don't wanna face my near and dear ones with arms.
But deep down a voice reminds-Isn't that supposed to be your karmabhumi(now where did this come from?)It spake thus,"You can try but u can't evade it."

And I cry....Help me out God.Ya ya I know I shouldn't be asking him....he'll help only himself.....history'll repeat...Krishna never helped Arjuna out.Nay...he didn't.

Leave it,I'll survive somehow.

Anyways the word "safe in non-understanding" has remained with me all these years.Though I wouldn't say I didn't love the growing up part.I learnt a lot and slowly through all these years(mostly the last three years) everything opened up with a much more clarity.Finally the sun was making its way through the fog and I was being embraced by a warmth-an understanding of and about so many things.

Suddenly I looked at at the world with a little less hate,a little more forgiveness...a little less anger,a little more patience...a little less mouth(ing),a little more ear(s)...maybe a little less love but loads n loads of understanding....

I stooped down a bit lower from superlative to comparative and in some cases positive degree.There weren't many bests and ya.. neither worsts but something good and many things better.I found many answers though they were not all perfect.No doubt many more questions arose...questions which were no more simple...and so I'd to optimize the solutions.I learned acceptance,I learned to adapt and blah blah blah....

And so ends another phase of my life.

Apna Bollywood!

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai definitely.We are 'Indian' by heart n soul. And so, chahe koi kuch bhi kahe,apna Bollywood'll always reign , even though we (an elite class which watches hollywood movies as well!) know dat they(apna bollywood) have got less substance (than their counterparts) and more of masala,over-dramatic tantrums and pretty exaggerated emotions,not to mention those who-gives-a-hell-bout-lyrics tracks. But even with all these vices they manage to emerge out victorious!

You know what, it's cos there is something (don't ask me wat 'cos i'm a victim too!), something that is wonder,beauty and magic blended together, add a few humorous dialogues, few emotional scenes (which would make us cry) and lo and behold bollywood reigns!

Maybe 'cos India is the land of spices so quite naturally our movies will have spices in somewhat regular quantities.And moreover we grew up watching these stuffs, identifying ourselves with those next-to-impossible romantic scenes. I watched movies like Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun before I started reading Mills n Boons, so even though I love ball dances, candle light dinners, still there's a different magic in our very own sarson ke khets, white salwars, sea beaches.You remember the way Madhavan treats Dia Mirza in RHTDM, with paanipuri,taking her on cycle-very much Indian huh! And ya how can I forget that it was Bollywood who first put this notion into our head that rain is romantic (obviously our parents didn't teach us that!).

Sometimes I wonder whether these things taught us to dream or our dreams were portrayed in movies.It works both way round. So thats it, I love bollywood.
Oops! there are things one just can't leave........