"The people who have adored me--there have not been very many, but there have been some--have always insisted on living on, long after I had ceased to care for them, or they to care for me. They have become stout and tedious, and when I meet them, they go in at once for reminiscences. That awful memory of woman! What a fearful thing it is! And what an utter intellectual stagnation it reveals! One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar."
"The one charm of the past is that it is the past. But women never know when the curtain has fallen. They always want a sixth act, and as soon as the interest of the play is entirely over, they propose to continue it."
-The Picture of Dorian Gray
Why is it that we cling to the past,though its long gone.
Why is it that the dreams of future are nothing but a vague hope of reliving the past?
Maybe 'cos at least it was real...no,just a part of it was real,some characters were real.With passing time we added words,colours,emotions to it making out of it a Memory-to be relived again and again.Ah,such fools!
Maybe it makes present a bit more easier.
Maybe it's a consolation to ourselves that we were not devoid of a good time.
The past...I've added so many whatiwanted that I'm unable to distinguish now between real and imagination.what exactly had happened.How much of it was true.
At times I want to free myself of their clutches.
Yet at other,it's as if they are the only thing I have and I hold on to it possessively.
Like English ma'm always asks me,"You remember,Preema?"
And I instinctively repeat the line - the one she reminds me time and again:
"We look before and after and pine for what is not..."
-Shelley
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The long wait
It was past 11 at night when she entered into her bedroom.There was, at the writing table, a single rose - long stemmed,thorns removed.She never wanted the thorns removed.He always did.It was her anniversary.9 long years.
A perfunctory wish in the morning.She had gotten him a tie.
And then she was preoccupied the whole day-with her daily chores,with her classes.
Evening was as usual filled with helping manna out-her exams are going on.Excuses...
He had slipped from her mind-till now.
She felt guilty, yet angry that she should...that he made her feel guilty.She had the flower in her hand.She held it to her face...a deep breath...Her eyelids drooped on their own accord.She felt the fragrance surrounding her.She stood like that for some time. And her lips curled into a smile."love you,too".She said to herself.She squeezed open her eyelids, and then went to lie by his side.
It was dark.She never liked bed lamps/zero power bulbs.She didn't have one in her bedroom.She was lying to his right.She slipped her left palm into his and subconsciously their fingers intertwined.Her thumb was moving over his,gently.She knew he wasn't asleep.He gave her palm a squeeze...acknowledging her?
She started...aware that he would be listening to her every word.
"I'll be gone for long-a really long time.I shan't give you any reason,neither any discourse on demands of my work, my duty, cos its nothing.Maybe it's just the course of life."
She paused.It was an effort for her to continue.She was defending herself.
"I'm still the same,kshit.*sigh*.Maybe my priorities have changed-something I can't help."
She didn't want to explain...no,it was becoming too tedious a job.But she had to say him this,say it now.She owed it to him.
"I'll come back Kshit. I know this-and it's to you I'll come back.And then there won't be anyone else.We'll have time,and we'll have just each other.Till then,kshit."
"Hmm?"
He turned around,put an arm over her...
And she knew he'll be there.He always was.
A perfunctory wish in the morning.She had gotten him a tie.
And then she was preoccupied the whole day-with her daily chores,with her classes.
Evening was as usual filled with helping manna out-her exams are going on.Excuses...
He had slipped from her mind-till now.
She felt guilty, yet angry that she should...that he made her feel guilty.She had the flower in her hand.She held it to her face...a deep breath...Her eyelids drooped on their own accord.She felt the fragrance surrounding her.She stood like that for some time. And her lips curled into a smile."love you,too".She said to herself.She squeezed open her eyelids, and then went to lie by his side.
It was dark.She never liked bed lamps/zero power bulbs.She didn't have one in her bedroom.She was lying to his right.She slipped her left palm into his and subconsciously their fingers intertwined.Her thumb was moving over his,gently.She knew he wasn't asleep.He gave her palm a squeeze...acknowledging her?
She started...aware that he would be listening to her every word.
"I'll be gone for long-a really long time.I shan't give you any reason,neither any discourse on demands of my work, my duty, cos its nothing.Maybe it's just the course of life."
She paused.It was an effort for her to continue.She was defending herself.
"I'm still the same,kshit.*sigh*.Maybe my priorities have changed-something I can't help."
She didn't want to explain...no,it was becoming too tedious a job.But she had to say him this,say it now.She owed it to him.
"I'll come back Kshit. I know this-and it's to you I'll come back.And then there won't be anyone else.We'll have time,and we'll have just each other.Till then,kshit."
"Hmm?"
He turned around,put an arm over her...
And she knew he'll be there.He always was.
Now
He put aside his dentures.And then walked outside.
She was sitting on the swing at the patio.
He knew she'd come back.He had waited all these years when she had been a daughter-to her parents and his, a teacher to all those numerous kids, a mother to his manna... and heaven knows what all relationships/duties she had assigned herself.
She was free at last.She was his.
He went and joined her.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
We just sit here waiting for some miracle to come,waiting for the result to reverse,waiting for the dead to return.We know very well that nothing would change,that this is not a dream.The only thing that'll follow is Acceptance.That it has happened.Even though there wasn't any cause to effect this.Can't help.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Pleading guilty is always easier-easier than making excuses,lying...
She wanted to do that.na...not plead.Guilty as accused with head held high.
But she couldn't.'Cos that was not practical,that would not be in her favour.So she lied.Ah...the lies,the deceptions,the confrontation.It came naturally though.She didn't have to work hard on it.
She came out of it,triumphant.She knew that she'd be believed.Only she didn't feel the elation of victory.There was instead this gut-wrenching conscience.
She hated the world cos they were unable to see through her lie.She hated the fact that she plied with the world.Why the hell can't she be honest(with whom?).Life would have been so simple.Truth ain't difficult.In fact it's the shortest way out and the best.Pity..there aren't many takers.
She wanted to do that.na...not plead.Guilty as accused with head held high.
But she couldn't.'Cos that was not practical,that would not be in her favour.So she lied.Ah...the lies,the deceptions,the confrontation.It came naturally though.She didn't have to work hard on it.
She came out of it,triumphant.She knew that she'd be believed.Only she didn't feel the elation of victory.There was instead this gut-wrenching conscience.
She hated the world cos they were unable to see through her lie.She hated the fact that she plied with the world.Why the hell can't she be honest(with whom?).Life would have been so simple.Truth ain't difficult.In fact it's the shortest way out and the best.Pity..there aren't many takers.
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